Friday, 26 April 2013

Harpoon buffoon


In the news today, a Brazilian man has somehow managed to shoot himself through the eye with his harpoon gun.  The 12 inch harpoon pierced his skull, almost exiting through the back of his head.

Bruno Coutinho was apparently cleaning his gun at his home in Petropolis when he accidentally triggered it, sending the harpoon through his left eye and into his head.  Doctors are amazed that no lasting damage has been caused by the man’s evident display of stupidity.

In two operations resulting in the harpoon being finally removed after a staggering 10 hours embedded in his skull, Bruno is said to be recovering well in hospital, although he has lost the sight in his eye.
Dr Orlando Maria, who is the chief of neurosurgery at the hospital, said, “The harpoon came within millimetres of piercing a major artery”,clearly his brain was missed due to its below average size, little brain equals less chance of damaging it.

I have conducted a little research into harpoons, intrigued as to how Bruno could have feasibly shot himself.  They seem to come in a variant of designs and methods for firing, the main common factor being that you need to pull atrigger. They are also fairly long so the gun itself is required to be so tooin order to accommodate the harpoon.

It isn’t like a barrel of a conventional gun, there is a big pointed harpoon sticking out and to place this anywhere close to your head does seen to me to be a monumentally unwise action. Bruno was said to have been cleaning the thing, perhaps the instruction manual doesn’t translate exactly into Brazilian and somehow interprets as, ‘Clean the incredibly sharp point of the harpoon by placing it in front of your eye taking care not to trigger the firing mechanism as this could result in injury or even death you dumb ass’.

I don’t know Bruno’s reasons for owning a harpoon but I’m sure he has a valid explanation, but his actions have placed him firmly into the realms of the institute for the colossal hall of fail.  This was being a failure on a World class level and it is no doubt this immense display of dumb that saved his life by not damaging his pea brain. Unbelievable.


Tuesday, 23 April 2013

Panda private parts


In the news today, Edinburgh Zoo's giant female panda has been artificially inseminated after attempts to get the UK’s only pair of the loveable endangered bears to mate naturally have failed.

Breeding season for pandas is between mid-April and May and there is a critical 36 hour window when the female can mate, made all the more difficult I would imagine by having an audience.  Given that the male and female are kept in separate enclosures throughout the year and only get together for mating, the female, who is called, Tian Tian, can’t be blamed for not being totally receptive.

The male, called, Yang Guang, had been introduced to the female a couple of times during the last week but the meetings clearly didn’t go well as Tian, Tian was not ready for that kind of commitment so early in their relationship.  Maybe Yang Guang should have started by taking her a bunch of bamboo to start things off gently. 

The move to step in and artificially inseminate Tian, Tian was taken after the Zoo’s Panda expert, Chinese colleague Professor Wang, decided that Tian, Tain ‘displayed signs that told him she would not be conducive to mating.’  In layman’s terms, she wasn’t putting out; you really need to be an expert to see that?

If the pregnancy is successful any cubs would be born around September time.  You can just imagine Yang Guang being informed that he is the father of Cubs, “What? We never did anything!  I want a DNA test”.  He really has had a rough deal, kept in isolation all year, given the chance to prove his Panda hood, gets rebuffed then slapped with a paternity suit.

Whatever the outcome, 500,000 visitors last year to the zoo will certainly increase should the tiny patter of panda paws be heard.  Yang Guang is back in solitary confinement working on his chat up lines and wondering why that Chinese man had been messing with his Panda parts.

Wednesday, 17 April 2013

Pain in the glass


In the news today, an ill-fated pigeon has left a lasting impression upon a Dunblane householder when it slammed into one of his windows.  The bird has surely been left in pain, after its close inspection of the pane, of the house in Scotland.

Stuart Milligan's kitchen window now has the perfect imprint of the pigeon after the bird, not renowned for its intellect, smashed into it.  The mark left by the bird is in such great detail that Stuart’s neighbours are keen to know where he got the decorative addition to his house.

Encouraged by the sudden interest in his previously plain and ordinary window, I wonder if Stuart is now hoping to lure other more exotic birds to embellish the remainder of his house. He could place various tempting bait on his windowsills to get the wildlife flocking to his house.

I’m sure cardboard cut-outs of provocative and teasing female birds cleverly placed on the inside of rooms will have the birds hurtling at full speed towards his windows.  He will of course need to keep his panes cleaned to enhance the ruse.

Before any bird lovers start reporting me to the RSPB, I am using my literary overemphasis and would of course never condone the needless suffering of our feathered friends in the pursuit of stylish window adornments. 


Friday, 12 April 2013

Zombie Fruit Truck


In the news today, California has reportedly been infested with zombies after a man driving a lorry crashed attempting to shake the living dead from his vehicle causing damage and injuring a number of people in the process.

Jerimiah Hartline, who is 19 told police that he swerved across the road out of control when the zombies hung onto the side of the vehicle, which Hartline had stolen.  The incident caused other motorists to crash putting one female in hospital with serious injuries.

Police said that when Hartline was found he was in an ‘altered’ state, really?  I didn’t see that one coming.  The stolen lorry which was full of strawberries had stopped on a weighbridge when the thief took the vehicle; it isn’t confirmed if he took the truck in an attempt to flee the zombies or if they appeared after he fled with it.

Hartline has actually pleaded not guilty to the six offences he has been charged with, including assault by a deadly weapon, i.e. the truck.  I’m guessing he is sticking with the zombie defence on this then.  You never know he might surprise the court when he calls his witnesses and several dead people drag themselves in, dropping rotten body parts onto the courtroom floor.

There was no mention of any drugs being found on Hartline upon his arrest, so we must assume that they were already within his system and had taken effect.  Given the lack of any other zombie related reports that day, I’m sticking with the hallucinogenic theory. Even the other people involved in the crash failed to mention seeing the undead.

It’s such a shame that British TV doesn’t show real courtroom cases; this is definitely one I’d tune in for, I can’t believe that he has even got a lawyer to take this on.  The case continues. 

Thursday, 11 April 2013

Definitely not a nice Beaver.


In the news today, a man on a fishing trip on Lake Shestakov in Belarus has been killed after being attacked and bitten by a beaver. The shocking incident took place when the man attempted to take a photograph of the mammal and it took a chunk out of his leg.

The man’s fishing companions attempted to stem the flow of blood from the wound but the animal’s bite had severed a main artery and the poor man bled to death.  It is not unheard of for Beavers, which are the second largest rodent in the World, to attack humans.  With a man attacked in New York & two girls badly injured last year in Virginia, these reports are all the more worrying as the mammals are usually rabid.

I’m just trying to picture the scene which provoked this oversized rat into striking out with such deadly force.  It was either incredibly wound up by the ill-fated fisherman or really, really didn’t want its photo taken.  Whatever happened, it has to be looked upon as an amazing unfortunate piece of luck that it hit a main artery.  I’m not going to be panicking about gangs of beavers hunting down humans just yet. 

Earlier in the week a video was posted on YouTube showing a man in Moscow, running away from a beaver who charged at him as he was filming.  Are we looking at some kind of payback for all the years of David Attenborough invading their lives? Such a shame that the deceased man, who has not been named, will be forever remembered as the guy killed by a beaver.  Not a claim to fame I’d aspire too.  


Me want cookie and $2


In the news today, the cookie monster has been arrested!  Yes that lovable furry blue munching biscuit lover from Sesame Street has been charged with endangering the welfare of a child along with aggressive begging.

This shocking revelation is said to have taken place in New York’s Times Square when a family from Connecticut stopped to pose for a photo with Osvaldo Quiroz-Lopez who was actually dressed as the character.  Osvaldo is accused of pushing a two year old child & shouting obscenities at the family when they allegedly refused to tip him $2.

Apart from bringing the very name of the cookie monster into dishonour, Osvaldo has possibly left a two year old child with lifelong mental scars when it was assaulted by a giant version of a personality that they had previously only seen harmlessly consuming cookies on the TV in the sanctity of her own home.

There does seem to be a pattern emerging here when a performer dressed as a Super Mario Brother was accused of groping a woman in Times Square. Although Osvaldo has no previous convictions for this kind of behaviour, it is concerning that the very name of the cookie monster, whose real name is Sid, is being associated with the poor conduct of street performers. 

Sid, aka the cookie monster criticised of eating so many cookies has since 2006 stated that they are a ‘sometimes snack’ and that he also likes fruit and eggplant.  I’m sure he doesn’t and that the folks at Sesame Street are trying to be seen to be promoting healthy eating in children.  He wouldn’t really have the same appeal as the melon monster or the banana beast. 

Sunday, 7 April 2013

Magic researchers


In the news today, the treatment for depression using magic mushrooms has been delayed due to legal problems.  The illegal class A drug has been linked to helping in the fight to combat the condition.

The highly amusingly named study leader professor Nutt has stated that he has been prevented from giving suffers an opportunity to receive relief from the illness by red tape. Despite being handed a £550,000 research grant, they are not allowed to pick the mushrooms as it is illegal to do so.

The law states that academic researchers are not allowed to manufacture their own Class A drugs and must obtain them from external sources. Companies need to obtain the necessary Home Office licence; this can take up to a year and triple the cost.  This is without the EU becoming involved with their guidelines on Good Manufacturing Practice which just about makes it impossible to progress.

Professor Nutt was sacked from his position as the Governments chief drug adviser in 2009 and also was asked to step down from his role as chair of the Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs in the same year after claiming that alcohol and tobacco were more harmful than LSD, ecstasy and cannabis.

Given the professors previous & the fact that he states that trials with magic mushrooms have already indicated that they can work for easing depression, you have to ask how has this conclusion been reached if they are illegal to use? I can just picture the professor and his team at the Imperial College in London off their faces. “Hey I don’t feel at all depressed, in fact I feel amazing!”

 With a £550,000 grant I’m sure the problem of supply can be overcome, they’re in London, I’m sure dealers are not that hard to come by. They could always try some other more easily obtainable drugs, I’m confident that pretty much any narcotic will combat the effects of depression, for a while anyway.
I wonder how they find volunteers for this kind of research?  Ads in the local classifieds?

WANTED: Individuals required for Government backed research, candidates must be manic depressive and or have suicidal thoughts or at the very least be feeling slightly down.  Class A drugs supplied free of charge.  Food not supplied but we have lots of cash so we could send out for pizza should anyone get the munchies.

Researchers discovered that when healthy volunteers were given the drug it shuts down a region of the brain known to be over-active in depression.  So if I understand this correctly, they gave someone a class A drug known for its mind-altering effects similar to those of LSD and once they were given this, they no longer felt depressed.  Genius, that’s £550,000 worth of anyone’s money well spent. 


Wednesday, 3 April 2013

High wire act


In the news today, a good reason not to consume alcohol when a drunken man endangered his life in downtown Linfen, in north China's Shanxi Province by hanging from power cables.

The man, who had scaled a utility pole & climbed onto the cables 30 feet above the ground, had given his reasons for the foolhardy stunt as being in a bad mood.  I tend to opt for the throwing something across the room or swearing choice myself, much safer.  

After the electricity was switched off to prevent him from being crispy fried and fire-fighters attempted to coax the inebriated sulking man down, he fell from the cables onto a lower set of wires before finally dropping into an inflated bed supplied by the fire- fighters.

As is often the case with intoxicated people, he was unharmed and left only with an excess of alcohol in his body.  It’s odd that accidents that befall you in a drunken state very frequently leave you uninjured, when a simple sober trip on the pavement can break an ankle.  It must be something to do with the bodies relaxed and more limp standing when under the influence of liquor. 

My own father tripped at the top of the escalator in the underground at Westminster station whilst returning home from a few ‘sherbets’, as he referred to it.  The distance from the top to the bottom being over 100 feet.  After several rolls and knocking other commuters over like pin balls he arrived at the bottom in a crumpled drunken heap with nothing more than a few bruises.  An event that would have undoubtedly have broken his neck along with several other bones had this happened whilst sober.

There’s no further news on our oriental high wire act, after causing disruption to power supplies and the financial cost of the emergency services he appears to have disappeared to sober up.  If you want to see his inebriated antics they were captured on video and can be found on the following link: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YO2-220v2Wo