Saturday, 30 March 2013

Dead as an egg

In the news today, the femur bone of a dodo and the giant partially fossilised egg of an elephant bird are being put up for auction at Christie's.  The bone of the extinct Dodo is expected to fetch up to £15,000 & the egg, which is around 100 times larger than a chicken’s egg, anticipated to attract around £30,000.

Now I can see the appeal in a massive egg, very topical too at Easter time, but just a bone that is around a few inches in length? I’m not convinced.  Where’s the rest of the poor Dodo anyway?  You can imagine showing off at a dinner party with your Elephant egg which is 21 cm in diameter, the size of an adults head, impressing your guests with the specifics that it comes from an extinct 11 foot tall bird from Madagascar.  Then you whip out a decaying old piece of bone. 

Somewhere out there on this weird & wonderful world are people just hoping to have a Dodo bone in their collection, a collection that you have to wonder at its contents if they get off on old bones.  I’d be more inclined to be impressed it was a complete skeleton; I dread to think what a whole one would cost.

The bone from the ill-fated Dodo is believed to have been excavated in 1865 & is a rare example from the famous flightless bird from the island of Mauritius.  Looking at the drawings that there are of the bird, it does look as if it had a fair amount of meat on it & seemed as if it would have made a tasty treat for most predators.  The dodo, being earthbound, rather weighty & unable to climb, had its fate sealed really even without man having taken a liking to its pretty feathers.

It’s amazing to see what cash people are willing to part with for a slice of history, when conceivably a fraction of that money would help save most of the Worlds endangered species.  The Dodo has been tarnished with a hapless, almost dumb personality over the years.  But I’m reasonably influenced that it wouldn’t have killed animals for fun & keep the bones as trophies, slaughter great beasts for their ivory, fur or oils.

Just who are the most intelligent species on our fragile planet anyway? 

Monday, 25 March 2013

Groundhog weather

In the news today, an Ohio prosecutor has called for the death penalty for a rodent after the groundhog wrongly predicted the weather. Calling it an ‘unclassified Felony against the peace and dignity of the State Of Ohio’, County attorney Mike Gmoser issued the official looking indictment.

The ‘World famous’ Punxsutawney Phil the weather predicting groundhog has got himself into trouble for getting the forecast wrong.  Those of you reading this & having no idea of Phil’s celebrity, don’t worry you are not alone. 

The Butler county attorney also added, "The people further find and specify that due to the aggravating circumstances and misrepresentation to the people that the death penalty be implemented to the defendant, Punxsutawney Phil."  Although the indictment is very tongue in cheek, Phil’s owner John Griffiths retaliated & declared the groundhog was innocent & blamed it on spring-like temperature spikes since February. I’d put the fault on people relying on an oversized rat to tell us the weather forecast.

There seems to be no indication as to how Punxsutawney Phil delivers his predictions, if it’s standing in front of a massive map of America waving his paws to illustrate sweeping winds & cold fronts, I for one will be very impressed. Not sure his little claws could operate the little button to change the picture though.

Groundhogs are accomplished swimmers, burrowers & excellent tree climbers & hibernate for the winter from around October until March or April. Although a wild animal they can be raised in captivity but are renowned for their aggressive nature, possibly when they are woken from hibernation & asked to give a weather forecast. 

The death penalty in the state of Ohio is either by electrocution or lethal injection, the inmate choses, that should be interesting. They'd have to make a tiny chair from matchsticks & hook it up to a car battery. 

I have a couple of guinea pigs that sit around just eating & sleeping mainly, think it’s time they earned their keep, plus if they get it wrong, the worse sentence in the UK is life imprisonment, so they're on to a winner whatever. 

Thursday, 21 March 2013

Hello my Deer

In the news today, Kalamazoo police in Michigan had a fright when they spotted a suspicious vehicle that was parked behind a motel at night.  The driver of the car informed officers that he had hit & killed a deer whilst driving & was taking the road kill home for food.

When the driver was asked to pop the boot, or trunk dependant on your location in the world, a startled deer leaped from the car & made a dash for freedom into the nearby woods.  The officers on board camera caught the moment that the mammal escaped its metal tomb.

A couple of questions immediately spring to the forefront of my mind.  The first being, what was this man doing parked at a motel with a deer in his boot/trunk?  The second being, what else was in is car?
If I was one of those police officers, being the instinctive mistrustful person that I am, I’d want to be establishing the following two facts:

1.      Was there a motel room booked in the name of Mr & Mrs Fallow?
2.      Were there any surgical gloves, plastic sheeting & lubricant in the car?

I’m not totally acquainted with the ways of the state of Michigan, maybe this is normal behaviour of that part of the world. “Howdy officers, just out for a drive with my special lady Muntjac, it’s our second wedding anniversary, going back to the motel where it all began”. 

It’s amusing that the city has Zoo in the name, given what the yet unnamed man was potentially discovered doing.  He claimed that the deer would be food for his family, but I’d put money on his household containing straw on the floors & pretty lace deer shaped dresses in the wardrobes.

All’s well that ends well with the deer making it away from its weird captor & back into the wild where it belongs.  It’s probably telling its entire herd about his bid for independence & the promise of a better life over the border.  “I met a man he promised to help me in exchange for special favours but the feds busted us & I had to run into the woods”.

Tuesday, 19 March 2013

Political muscle

In the news today, the parliamentary debate in the Ukraine that had MP’s involved in an alternative deliberation.  The president’s party & the far right opposition took the discussion a step further by attempting to punch out their differences.

In a scene that resembled a late night bar fight in the House of Commons, members of the Ukrainian parliament started to get physical when one of them was booed when he made a speech.  Several spontaneous scraps broke out with MP’s climbing over benches in an attempt to thump members of the opposition.

This is unfortunately not an unusual sight in the Ukrainian parliament, with violence often erupting when verbal discussions fail.  Only last May things got ugly when they attempted to debate giving Russians equal status.  Watching the video footage of the fracas does make you appreciate our rather genteel British approach to politics.

No matter how much we moan about our MP’s, watching the Prime Minister pulling the hair out of back benchers for shouting at him would horrify us, despite the publicity it could attract.  It would however, be an alternative question time if it was resolved by three falls or a knockout.  ‘The honorary member for Finchley South wins the debate on points’.

Oddly enough, Vitaly Klitschko who is the Ukraine’s heavyweight boxing champion is also the head of the UDAR party.  If they do decide all their parliamentary business by a mass brawl, Vitaly has got to be in with a great shot at being President.

In a so called civilised & democratic society run by elected individuals to speak on our behalf for the benefit of the country & in turn for a better World, nothing evokes more interest of the ordinary electorates in dreary politics that a damn good dust up!  

Sunday, 17 March 2013

Stunning technology

In the news today, as the battle for mobile phone supremacy hits the headlines with Samsung launching its latest handset, the ever imaginative illegal trade in stun guns is trying to match their genius by disguising them as mobile phones & even phone covers.

Border staff in Australia discovered 88 of the banned weapons in 2012 but have stated that the amount getting through could be much higher as the i phone brand is now being used to conceal the guns. With many other brands of phones & covers being used, as well as i pad cases, the officials are up against a wave of cunning criminals.

The stun guns are being mainly made in Hong Kong, China & the US, with company, Yellow Jacket developing the idea after one of the founders of the business was attacked in his own home.  The establishment are planning to produce popular smart phone covers in the future to keep up with the smart phone market.

There could be a whole host of little stalls in shopping centres & motorway service stations selling mobile phone Tasers, every colour you want in diamante or with fluffy ears.  The possibilities are endless, personalise you stun gun cover with your own photo.

They could utilise other household items into the guns also, the stun TV remote, the 50,000 volt electric shaver.  Oh hang on, thinking about that one, that could be flawed somewhat. But you get the idea. The fact that they are banned in this country too, could be a stumbling block as well.

With technology becoming even more futuristic practically on a daily basis, the gadget market offers us fascinating prospects ahead.  When you think that all the items we take for granted packed into your smartphone would have previous taken up most of your living room, the World is indeed a scary place.

I’m told that one day, apart from being able to watch TV, videos, surf the internet, play games, put 50,000 volts through intruders, take photos, listen to music, shop, write & read books, you will be able to make phone calls.  Old school or what?!

Scottish egg heist

In the news today, a giant 2ft high fibreglass egg has been poached from a street in Glasgow. The brightly Painted ovum is part of collection of giant eggs which have been placed around the streets & shops of the city. 

Some of the eggs feature designs by leading artists & the missing one, entitled A Thousand forests, is reportedly valued at £10,000.  I can immediately see two massive but fatal errors in this idea, one being that it’s valued at £10,000 & the other being Glasgow!

It’s a little unclear as to where the egg was placed, but it appeared to have been in the street somewhere. Andrew Harris, who is the director of fundraising at Action for Children, has pleaded for the pilferer to return the egg which is part of an oversized Easter egg hunt than has spanned London, Birmingham & Manchester, with Glasgow being the only location where thieves have cracked the security & stolen one.

Strathclyde police have now joined the Easter egg hunt, whisking up extra officers & say that they are taking this seriously as this is not a poultry matter.  The painted egg which is one of 101 other huge eggs will be very recognisable as it has yellow & red trees on it. 

Trying desperately to avoid any yolk quips, but the organisers really have been left with the yellow stuff on their faces.  It is believed that the heist took place on Fry-day & that security staff have beaten themselves up over it.  (It’s an egg story, what do you egg spect?).

Saturday, 16 March 2013

Twitter your money away

In the news today, Labour MP Fiona Mactaggart has made the fatal error of combining twitter, (possibly some wine), and fund raising for comic relief with a drastic outcome for her bank balance.  The Member of Parliament for Slough foolishly posted on her twitter account that for anyone that re tweeted her pledge she would put up the cash for each of them. 

This blunder was posted just after 8pm & she gave a cut off time of 9pm, but after just 35 minutes she called a stop to it as it had amassed a total of £14,268.  The MP who confessed to being twitter na├»ve, was asked if she could afford the pledge, with some joking that she would claim it back on her Parliamentary expenses.

Also denying that she was using the charity event to boost her own profile, Fiona stated that she was “Glad to remind Twitter folk to give”.  The 59 year old has previously worked as a primary school teacher, clearly not with Maths as her chosen subject.

Whatever her reasons, be it a naivety towards social media or a clever marketing exploit, being the daughter of the late Baronet Sir Ian Mactaggart & her fifth of a share of his £6.5million estate will help.  Bet she worked the Maths out on that one.  

Thursday, 14 March 2013

A tall order........of Giraffe

In the news today, supermarket giants Tesco in their bid for World domination have moped up another company to add to their ever expanding empire.
Along with its recent acquisitions of the 49% share of Harris & Hoole coffee shops & an investment in the Euphorium bakery chain, Tesco are another step closer to global supremacy with the purchase of restaurant chain Giraffe. The takeover has cost the store £48 million which should equate to a week’s takings in a couple of shops.

Given that the whole horsemeat scandal started with Tesco burgers, how ironic that they are now buying Giraffes.  They are said to want to ‘Implant’ the restaurants into its larger stores where there is an excess of retail space, possible the in vast expanse left by the burger freezers.    
Don’t rule out seeing Giraffe meat on the shelves either, celebrity chef Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall has confessed to eating it & saying it’s delicious too.  After all it wasn’t that long ago that you would never dream you’d been eating horse.

The move to buy Giraffe is seen as the retail goliaths putting their necks on the line in an ever increasing endeavour to own every company in the World.  In the future we will be shopping at ‘The Company’ & one person will own it all sat in a space ship orbiting the globe so they can view their realm whilst stroking a white cat.

As the country’s eating habits have changed as a direct result of the horsemeat scandal, Tesco will want to do everything that it can to deflect any attention away from this hot potato.  Their answer appears to be throwing their cash around & buying things, we all feel better after a good spend up. 

They should really look at buying the Nairobi restaurant called Carnivore; this will actually cook & serve along with other wild beasts, Giraffe.  They could attach a chain of them to the shops, they could get the ingredients straight off the shelf.

Wednesday, 13 March 2013

Libyan rocket fuel

In the news today, Libya.  No not the anticipated reports that you would expect from that troubled part of the World, but the report that 60 people have been killed & 700 are suffering the effects of alcohol poisoning.

The information follows reports of a homemade brew, known locally as Boukha; being sold illegally that was laced with methanol.  The consumption & sale of alcohol in the North African country is banned but prohibited drink is available on the black market.

A quick science lesson regarding methanol; Methanol ingested in large quantities is metabolized to formic acid or formate salts, which is poisonous to the central nervous system, and may cause blindness, coma & death. Those facts alone should be enough to make you slightly nervous of drinking any homemade hooch.

Such was the extent of the amount of casualties from this domestic made venom that the hospitals in the capital city of Tripoli were unable to cope & sent stricken victims to clinics in other parts of the country. The sufferers, including 10 women are said to be from Libya & other Arab states.

As a result six people have been arrested in relation to concocting the deadly beverage, who very wisely knowing its contents didn’t drink it.  Two others are on the run following being named for their involvement in the blending of the lethal potion. 

Methanol has also been used in adapted motor vehicles, so our two Boukha fugitives from justice could have the means for a potent getaway. 

Brazilian Fingered!

In the news today, a Doctor in Brazil is facing fraud charges after being caught signing in absent work colleagues to the hospital where she works in the town of Ferraz de Vasconcelos.

The hospital has a sophisticated biometric attendance devise for signing in to work using the employee’s finger to gain access & clock them in.  When Doctor Thaune Nunes Ferreira was arrested following suspicions that she was covering for her absent co-workers, she was found in possession of six prosthetic fingers, three of which bared the fingerprints of fellow associates.

Subsequent to the discovery of the fingers, five other employees have been asked to step aside by the town’s Mayor Acir Fillo.  Mr Fillo has stated that the police investigation into the doctors extra digit activity, has exposed that there are around 300 public employees in the town who he has described as “An army of ghosts”. The indication is that these ‘ghosts’ receive regular wages without even turning up for work. 

The dishonest Dr Ferreira at the centre of this fiasco, far from being prosecuted for her crime should receive recognition for her genius.  It resembles something from Hollywood; there clearly has been a lot of thought & effort gone into this scam.  Credit where credit is due I say, there is certainly a career outside of medicine for her when she gets struck off.

Just thinking what if the entry system to the hospital had been a retina system.  Eyes could be slightly easier to conceal than fingers, in a bag of sweets or mixed in with marbles? But then a low paid employee sat in the entrance to the hospital could have saved all the deceitful behaviour as you’d hope they’d notice one person signing in six others! Unless someone scanned him in, this could be never ending. 

Tuesday, 12 March 2013

Skeleton Staff

In the news today, Adam Roberts the 24 year old from Illinois who is charged with burglary in relation to property discovered in 30 storage units & is accused of selling the ill-gotten gains to unsuspecting members of the public.

Police in the town of Godfrey are asking for the public to help out by notifying them if Roberts has approached them with items that he was selling. After the $1,000 worth of property that was recovered, police are still looking for TV’s & other items that people may have bought from the thief.

Given Roberts’s chosen career path you may think that having a distinctive tattoo of a skeleton might just be a tiny mistake that helps him to be identified.  Well if you’re careful you could always keep it covered up, or if you’re a total dumb ass, you could have the tattoo completely covering your face!

Yes Mr Roberts has possibly the most individual ink design ever seen, a skeleton style marking that covers his entire face.  Apart from a few small gaps where his skin can be seen, Roberts has possibly branded himself as the most well-known burglars in history.  He may as well have had his name, address & occupation tattooed on his face.

Madison’s County Sheriff’s Captain, Mike Dixon has urged the public to come forward if they have been approached by Roberts as they are going to remember him.  Described as, “Just odd”, the Captain explained that the tattoo is one of the strangest things he has seen in over 20 years’ service.

Most of us have a regrettable tattoo hidden away as the result of a drunken day out, but this guy has taken it to a whole new level.  Try arguing being identified by everyone that he has ever tried to sell hooky goods too, “Er yeah, it was the dude with a skeleton on his face”. 

Here is a list of occupations that Mr Roberts should not consider given his facial handicap:

1.      Burglary (Doh, too late on that one).    
2.      Working in a nursing home. (He could have a direct effect on the mortality rate).
3.      Undertaker (Speaks for itself really).
4.      Undercover agent (See above).
5.      Anything involving children or people easily frightened.
6.      Guidance councillor

Here is a list of employment opportunities that Mr Roberts may be more suited to:

1.      Circus clown (Supplies own mask).
2.      Skeleton actor (Might be slightly limited on that one).
3.      Halloween costume salesman (Seasonal work only).
4.      Haunted soul wandering theme parks (See above).
5.      Motivational speaker on the negatives of tattoos (Won’t even need to speak)
6.      Extra in any new horror film (Supplies own mask).

Given his adverse celebrity, Roberts will need to consider his next career move carefully & may wish to contemplate some of my options.  That is after he comes out of prison, because there’s no way this guy isn’t getting recognised!  Massive fail. 

Saturday, 9 March 2013

Short fat & angry

In the news today, the war on obesity has taken a different twist with Vietnam banning short fat traffic police officers.  Local media has reported that officers who are short, (height unspecified), obese, (again no lower weight limit given), or abusive are to be removed from the streets of Hanoi the Vietnam capital.

I’m unsure as to the connection between abusiveness & being fat & short, but possibly by default your nature is such if you are rotund & of a certain weight. Much to say, officials are attempting to improve the public perception of the police who have a reputation for corruption & abuse.

The Hanoi police chief has actually been quoted to say, “Little officers or those with too big a belly will be moved to work in offices so they do not come into contact with the public”. I’m not sure that the Vietnam people are that tall on average anyway, so I’d be interested to see what they regard as ‘Little officers’.  This does invoke all kinds of mental images that I’d best not comment on for fear of offending below average height persons.

Maybe some equipment that resembles the baggage size checkers at airports but for humans.  If your chubby police officer doesn’t fit into the designated shape, it’s a desk job for them.  Bulky officers can rectify their extra weight by dieting but they are going to struggle if they don’t meet the desired height requirements.  Are high heeled shoes the answer?

In attempts to change the view of the Vietnamese public where the police are ranked as the most corrupt officials in the country, the officers have also been placed on a regular physical training programme.  Perhaps this will involve some stretching exercises to help the under height ones.

In 2011 the police were banned from wearing sunglasses & hiding behind trees to ambush motorists to extract fines from them & this year saw female officers placed onto the streets to win over the public.  All of which indicates that short fat angry cops in mirrored glasses are not to be trusted.

I know that removing these unsightly officers from the streets will please the Chief of police, but most of the oversized police in this country work in an office!  What’s the recruitment policy going to like?  Join the Vietnam police service for a rewarding career, (Fat males under 5ft in height need not apply).  

Baby on the line

In the news today, the 18.18 Southeastern train from London Victoria to Ashford in Kent was delayed due to a woman giving birth on it.  This news story was brought to the world via the global media application Twitter.

Instead of the usual excuses for a late timetable, National rail tweeted that there would be a delay due to a birth on the train, which beats leaves on the line hands down. They congratulated the mother who gave birth to a girl, who I’m guessing would have been totally mortified at having to perform this natural but private act on a packed commuter train. She was probably standing up too, or swashed into the small compartment between carriages with her nose under a builders armpit.

The normal protocol for medical emergencies on a train is for one of the staff to perform first aid.  I’m guessing the guard took one look at the poor stricken female & went into panic mode, it’s not known who if anyone assisted the woman in her hour of need as passengers were busy tweeting as it was going on.

One ‘tweeter’, who is called @thumper—111, said, “Baby girl just been born on 18.18 Victoria to Ashford at West Malling. Marvelous grats to parents hope all well”.  I’m not sure I’d want any help from @thumper if I’m honest, they seem unable to string together a coherent sentence & can’t spell, I’m guessing their first aid skills would be sadly lacking too.

Another tweet update from National Rail later stated that the baby is doing ok & has been named Phoebe.  Just a shame it wasn’t a boy as the temptation to call him Thomas would have been overwhelming.

It does make you wonder regarding the use of technology today in that people actually would think they were helping by announcing to the World on social media about what is going on in front of them rather than get hands on, or worse still, film it.  With virtually everyone having connection to the internet, video & the ability to send information instantly to millions on a small hand held device, the words of Albert Einstein never rang more true.

“I fear that technology will surpass our human interaction. The world will have a generation of idiots”.  Of course he would tweet that today. 

Friday, 8 March 2013

Dead end road

In the news today, a man sat dead in his car on a busy road unnoticed for five days.  The man, Alvin Singh was reported missing from Auckland in New Zealand. 

The road was a busy major intersection & Mr Singh had parked his car in clear sight after presumably feeling unwell.  He had reclined in his seat & expired but sat there unobserved for five days in the sweltering New Zealand heat.

After checking the CCTV of the area which covered the poor deceased man’s car the entire time it was parked there, police found that Mr Singh had stopped his car, got out for a brief period & then sat back in the driver’s seat.  The death is not being treated as suspicious because the whole event was recorded by the cameras & no one else was seen near the car for the five days before someone finally raised the alarm.

It has since been established that Mr Singh had a pre-existing medical condition that is likely to have been the cause of his death.  The other down side to sitting deceased in a burning hot car for a long period of time is that it the body’s decomposition process is vastly accelerated. 

The question has to be posed as to why no one even noticed him in the car, I understand that he was reclined in his seat, but it would appear that not even the police stopped by to check on what may have appeared to be just an abandoned vehicle.

Sad that today almost everyone seems just focused on their own little World, incapable or just reluctant to extend out a helping hand to their fellow man because it just might make them late for work or inconvenience them in some way.  Such a shame that many are out for their own gain; kindness is a selfless act with no expectation of reward. 

Tuesday, 5 March 2013

Forgive me, I have conned

In the news today, that a fake Bishop has fooled red faced Cardinals in Rome.  The cheeky chappie dressed in a Bishops outfit, but a very implausible Fedora hat, has chatted to the humiliated holy men outside the Vatican.

The Cardinals were all attending a meeting at the Pope Paul VI hall as the process of electing a new leader continues.  The bold religious pretender is seen shaking hands & posing for photographs with Cardinal Sergio Sebiastiana.  

It is thought that the con man has managed to extract information regarding the up and coming election of a new Pope.  However in true Vatican tradition a spokesman has stated that they know nothing about the incident in which the comical character has deceived the senior clerics.

The divine Cardinals failed to notice that the imposter, who has been identified as German born Ralph Napierski, was wearing a purple scarf as a sash, that his black cassock was far too short & that his crucifix was on a short metal chain.  If they weren’t obvious enough, his Fedora style hat made him more like Del Boy than Bishop Basilius, who he claimed to be, from the Italian Orthodox church, which doesn’t even exist.

He was only rumbled when observant Swiss Guards noticed his vestments were wrong & then started to take a closer look at his costume which looks as if he hired it from a cheap high street fancy dress shop.  After the incident it has also been discovered that Ralph has his own web site where he claims to be a Bishop with the Catholic Corpus Dei.  The site is as unconvincing as his attire, littered with spelling mistakes & depicting images of the devout fraudster dressed in robes.  He also describes himself as a “Slave & apostle like St Paul”.

Whatever the reasons behind this individual’s righteous stunt, questions need to be raised as to how a man clearly dressed as a comedy TV Priest has managed to scam the Cardinals in Rome.  Maybe it’s their general holiness & trusting all mentality that makes them see only the good in their fellow man.  Or maybe they’re just dumb.  Forgive me cardinals for that previous remark. (Was fairly apparent however, duh!).    

Monday, 4 March 2013

Batman bounty hunter

In the news today, Batman has moved from Gotham City & is on secondment to Bradford police.  The caped crusader has already made a difference by handing in a wanted man to the cops.

A 27 year old man was wanted by police in Bradford for burglary, Fraud & breach of a court order.  The criminal was handed into the police station by a man dressed in a full batman outfit, including mask to hide his true identity.  It would appear that the crime fighter presented the felon to officers & then left without revealing his identity.

The stereotypically dressed criminal can been seen in a picture taken in the custody block at Trafalgar House police station in Bradford, Yorkshire in his hoody & tracksuit bottoms along with the superhero stood next to him.  There are no details as to how the man was apprehended by Batman, but there must have been a certain amount of disbelief from the felonious individual.

Rumours that this is a government led initiative in order to introduce more cuts to the already cash strapped police forces has been denied, along with the report that Ministers are using unemployed bounty hunters to massage the true jobless figures. The costumes are of course to avoid them being recognised by their local jobcentre & risk any cuts to benefits.

Whatever the true story behind this adventure, it looks to be kept as secret as the identity of the masked crime fighting campaigner. However he is available for any security work, children’s parties & weddings to help cover the cost of the costume hire.  

Friday, 1 March 2013

A lions heart in a box

In the news today, that Richard I had his heart preserved with creosote. Modern day forensic testing on the Lionheart Kings remains have shown that it was embalmed using a mixture of mercury tar – like Creosote. This after his remains, (well some of them), were removed from a church in France where part of him was laid to rest.

What with the recent excitement & public interest with Richard III being discovered, it looks as if his ancestor is getting in on the act too.  Richard I died in 1199 fighting the French after reportedly being shot in the shoulder with a crossbow fired by a boy.  As the now part of France was British owned at the time, his internal organs were buried there as was the custom & the rest of his body was buried in Fontevraud Abbey in the Loire Valley & his entrails in Chalus.    

Although his heart was discovered in a lead box at the Rouen Cathedral in 1838, the contents had reduced to dust, but modern day technology has allowed scientists to establish the contents & from that exactly how the King died.  Which was from septicaemia or gangrene caused from the infected crossbow wound which he reportedly died from 12 days after the injury.  This was discovered using a technique known as gas chromatography.

The 12th century embalmers were said to have usually been butchers & cooks, which is a little alarming, bit like letting a taxidermist cut your hair.