Tuesday, 12 March 2013

Skeleton Staff

In the news today, Adam Roberts the 24 year old from Illinois who is charged with burglary in relation to property discovered in 30 storage units & is accused of selling the ill-gotten gains to unsuspecting members of the public.

Police in the town of Godfrey are asking for the public to help out by notifying them if Roberts has approached them with items that he was selling. After the $1,000 worth of property that was recovered, police are still looking for TV’s & other items that people may have bought from the thief.

Given Roberts’s chosen career path you may think that having a distinctive tattoo of a skeleton might just be a tiny mistake that helps him to be identified.  Well if you’re careful you could always keep it covered up, or if you’re a total dumb ass, you could have the tattoo completely covering your face!

Yes Mr Roberts has possibly the most individual ink design ever seen, a skeleton style marking that covers his entire face.  Apart from a few small gaps where his skin can be seen, Roberts has possibly branded himself as the most well-known burglars in history.  He may as well have had his name, address & occupation tattooed on his face.

Madison’s County Sheriff’s Captain, Mike Dixon has urged the public to come forward if they have been approached by Roberts as they are going to remember him.  Described as, “Just odd”, the Captain explained that the tattoo is one of the strangest things he has seen in over 20 years’ service.

Most of us have a regrettable tattoo hidden away as the result of a drunken day out, but this guy has taken it to a whole new level.  Try arguing being identified by everyone that he has ever tried to sell hooky goods too, “Er yeah, it was the dude with a skeleton on his face”. 

Here is a list of occupations that Mr Roberts should not consider given his facial handicap:

1.      Burglary (Doh, too late on that one).    
2.      Working in a nursing home. (He could have a direct effect on the mortality rate).
3.      Undertaker (Speaks for itself really).
4.      Undercover agent (See above).
5.      Anything involving children or people easily frightened.
6.      Guidance councillor

Here is a list of employment opportunities that Mr Roberts may be more suited to:

1.      Circus clown (Supplies own mask).
2.      Skeleton actor (Might be slightly limited on that one).
3.      Halloween costume salesman (Seasonal work only).
4.      Haunted soul wandering theme parks (See above).
5.      Motivational speaker on the negatives of tattoos (Won’t even need to speak)
6.      Extra in any new horror film (Supplies own mask).

Given his adverse celebrity, Roberts will need to consider his next career move carefully & may wish to contemplate some of my options.  That is after he comes out of prison, because there’s no way this guy isn’t getting recognised!  Massive fail. 

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